Does anyone else thing it’s not a coincidence that international Macaroon day and International Happiness Day fall on the same day? I think not. Macaroons make me very happy and I am about to run off to Laudree as we speak to get some heavenly sweet treats.
But let’s talk about other things that make us happy. Like human connection. Take some time today to tell people that you appreciate them and what they do to make you happy. Also, do something today that makes you happy. I painted earlier. I’m a terrible painter but oh well. I was enjoying it. So go do something!
I haven’t written a tea talks in a little while and I thought that I was due for one. This week, I wanted to write about something that is going to happen in your life and in every relationship you are in. Trusting someone is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and even harder, forgiving someone. In some relationships, this does not go hand and hand. Sometimes if someone breaks your trust you can just end the friendship or break up but when you’ve been friends for 15 years or you’re married, it’s not so simple.
Building trust is something that takes time and really involves two people. First, it takes the other person showing you that they are nice at heart and don’t have intentions of hurting you. If someone doesn’t treat you well and hurts you all the time the chances are they aren’t a great person to trust. But what sucks is that there isn’t really a flipside to this. If someone trusts you wonderfully and would never want to do anything to hurt you or break you trust, it doesn’t mean that they never will. All you really can do take a leap of faith.
I know that’s super scary but I guarantee that you ruin every relationship you have by not trusting someone. When you don’t trust someone you can’t help but be suspicious of them or not let them go to be themselves or not let go enough to let them help you. Those are kind of fundamental when building a solid relationship. I know a lot of people who can’t let down that wall because they are too afraid of getting hurt and in the end that’s exactly what happens. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So you have to let down your wall but here a few questions to ask yourself that you can use to reassure yourself that it’s okay to do that.
1.Do they do what they say they will? Saying something and doing it is a big step in feeling as though you can rely on someone.
2. Do they take their promises seriously? This is vary similar as the first question but a promise, no matter how big or small, is a promise. When some is willing to break a small one and take no responsibility for it, it definitely makes you wonder if you can trust them with big things.
3. Are they honest? I feel as though this is self-explanatory. Dishonesty is a big no-no in my book. If someone doesn’t tell you the truth not only do I think that they are a coward and do I lose some respect for them but it also makes me feel as though they are misjudging who I am. It makes me feel as though they don’t think I’m an empathetic or understanding person. I think the bravest thing is to be completely in the wrong but be able to be honest about what happened.
4. Are they open with their feelings and speak from the heart? I frequently feel as though it is hard to trust guarded people. A lot of time people who are really guarded find it harder to start and sustain relationships for many reasons. If you can’t open up about even small things like how your day was then how can you get closer to another person and how can the two of you learn to help each other through hard times.
5. Do they omit important details? Lies of omission are still lies. It’s scary to be involved with someone who doesn’t come forward to all the details. It’s like sitting in a dunk booth, waiting until someone hits the button and you get dumped into a pool of water. You’re always sitting around questioning if they are going to spring something on you that they didn’t tell you sooner.
Trust is way easier to get then to build back but all is not lost if you do break someone’s trust. Just no that it will take time to get it back. Rome wasn’t build in a day and neither is a strong relationship. Unfortunately, it will just take having to prove to the person that you are trustworthy time and time again until they believe you. But forgiveness can happen in time.
Know that forgiveness, trust, and emotional pain are all tied together and are all very real. No amount of flowers or gifts can erase when you have broken someone’s trust. The best thing to do is claim ownership and work on mending the relationship. If it is worth it to you then you may have to just be patient because everyone works on their one time.
For the person who was hurt, here are a few tips to help you heal that pain and let your guard down.
1. Consider the importance of forgiveness. You know that quote, holding a grudge is like letting someone rent an apartment in your head, rent free. Or the other one, holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. The point is that it causes a lot of emotional turmoil to stay anger at someone. It is both physically and spiritually exhausting. It increases your anxiety and stress levels with is terrible for your soul and health. As long as you hold on to it, you can’t move forward. So let it go.
2. Reflect on all that has happened. You expect them to own up to what they did wrong, well you also have to look at how did you react to the situation. When you are angry, you can easily lash out and then blame the other person for reacting that way. Look at how your anger and inability to forget has effected your life and well-being.
3. Realize forgiveness is an active choice. Choosing to forgive someone is a conscious decision. If we let you emotions rule us, we would never forgive anyone. We need to decide it and not let ourselves flare up when we think about it.
4. Stop being a victim and realize you have control. Stop acting like “Oh this person did this to me”, okay maybe they did but stop being a victim because it doesn’t help you. You will continue you on in this “woe is me” position and that will only fuel the fire. When you realize that you have the option to be upset and hold on to it, you take the power away from the person who hurt you. You can decide what you let in and what you don’t.
Well, that’s kind of it, folks. I hope this helps some of you out there. I know these are things that have helped me in my life.
You know the story of Goldilocks. She goes through and has to try every bowl of porridge and the beds before she finds her perfect one. Well, jean shopping is kind of like that but worse. I can’t think of anything more utterly time consuming, stressful, and overwhelming (well, other than planning your wedding) than jean shopping. I go to a big department store. Bergdorf Goodman being the store of choice. I search for a sales person but honestly, I just read Lauren Conrad’s Denim Guide so I must be set. I’m pretty much a Denim Guru. According to her, I can wear almost any cut, but boot cut will be the most flattering. How many pairs do you have to try on to find the perfect one? Do you want a straight leg, a skinny pair, a cigarette leg, wait is that the same as the straight leg? Are boot cuts completely out? Cause I swear I saw Jessica Alba in a pair.
My size? I never really know until I try them on. Yeah, I know every brand is different…Thanks, for bringing me all these options. You’re right, I won’t know unless I try all the fits. Well, I’m petite but I’m an hourglass. Nope. These don’t work. If it fits in the thighs/butt then it doesn’t fit in the waist. Yeah, I know, Kim Kardashian and I have the same problem. I never knew she tailored all of her jeans to fit better in the waist. Okay, let’s try down a size. Yeah, that really did help.
Okay, I think I’ve found the right pair. Great. Oh? What wash do I want it in? The blue kind. Oh, you have 9 different types of washes in blue. No, that fade right there makes my thighs look bigger. Do you have plain? Great. Stitching? So this color has three different color stitching options. How about something simple? Okay. Awesome, just blue on blue.
Now, I need to test drive them. I need to know I can do the most important functions in them.
Well, I can’t arabesque in these so that’s not going to work.
Oh, these let me do my best Miley impersonation. This might be a winner.
But these allow me to philosophize the meaning of life and what pastels are missing from my closet (way to get into my head, Harper’s Bazaar).
But I think I need to go back to these because they allow me to bend down like a lady.
Yes, yes, these will do.
In the end, I ate all the porridge (making it harder to fit into my jeans) then laid in every bed (quite the workout), even tried to convince my stylist to let me have Blake Lively’s hair color and found that the only one that was just right was made by tried and true, J. Brand Jeans. I ended up with the Photo Ready Skinny Leg and like they say, when you find a basic that works for you and you love, buy many. Bye, bye credit card limit. It was nice knowing you but even better knowing sweet, sweet denim comfort.
Yesterday, I attended a friend’s birthday party and reminded me of the value true friendship and of just good people.
This party actually had a few friends who never met actually each other and it’s awesome to see them getting along. I love seeing my friends befriending each other and fighting over who is the “Carrie” of the group or how many more people we need to make the “How I met your mother” group complete.
I just think there are times when you just can sit back and appreciate all the wonderful people life has brought into your life and also how fucked up they are to be so hilarious during a game of Cards Against Humanity. Here is a few shots from the wonderful Valentine’s Sweetheart Birthday brunch that lasted from 1:30 to 7:30 it was so fun. These memories are ones I will savor.
One of my good friends just got engaged and I am so excited for her. It’s a really fun though crazy time. She was asking me about my advice and tips about planning a wedding, being married, and also how to keep the fire alive. I had a few that I shared with her before realizing that I should really express my thoughts about it all on here.
Let me start at the beginning. Some many of my friends want boyfriends. They act as if it is some wonderful, life fixing box to check that they so desperately need. You don’t need a boyfriend. Hell, some of you may not even really want boyfriends. Finding a boyfriend should just come organically. Focus on living your life and they just stumble in. It’s so much nicer that way. I’m not saying close off your heart. I would never say that but don’t go search for love.
When you go in trying to search for love or trying to check a box, you miss so much that you may not like about the person. A great relationship starts with friendship and I know that sounds so stupid but it’s true. Will and I are best friends. The way I see it for every fight you have that should have at least 1:1 ratio to every laugh you have. It’s better if you can get it to 1:10 but hey, whatever. Our relationship bloomed from friends, to friends with benefits, to “I don’t want to hook up with other people”, to we’re official. I can’t tell you how much happier I am because of it. Mostly, it’s because I can be myself and he really knows me. I’m a huge joker who is kind of a weirdo but he enjoys that about me. If I had started our relationship with “boyfriend” mindset, I probably wouldn’t have shown him that side of me in fear that it would make me not who he wanted to date.
So that is my feeling on trying to get a boyfriend. Now, let’s talk about romance. You know planned romance is kind of bull shit. I can tell you expecting and waiting for a guy to say the perfect thing to you is not only unfair but so cheesy. It’s so much better when guys tell you things in their on time and on their own terms. The important thing is that you can see they care by the way they act. If they treat you well and can’t keep their eyes off of you then you should already know what they are thinking. But some guys aren’t good at expressing these things. But make sure they actually are treating you well. Don’t make excuses for guys who treat you like crap just because you don’t want to be alone.
Also, don’t rush into marriage…When I got engaged every girl get saying, “I want to get married.” and I’d always ask why since they were mostly single and didn’t have a person who made marriage worth it. They’d always respond with like, “I just can’t wait to have that white dress and walked down the alter as the groom cries then we’d have a big party.” I wanted to say to them, “No, you don’t want to get married. You want a wedding. Don’t confuse marriage with a wedding”. I instead tried to keep those thoughts to myself in order to not offend the majority of my friends.
This is the real deal: Marriage is really difficult. I’m not even that far into it and I can tell you it’s hard. It takes a lot of compromise and every decision involves to people. What will you have for dinner tonight? Yeah, that seems like an arbitrary example but it’s true. That’s a decision you no longer make alone. Obviously, thanks to websites like seamless, I can get Mexican and he can get Japanese but it’s still a discussion that happens like every night. It’s something as small as that which makes you realize you aren’t on your own anymore. But it’s the big decisions that really get you. Right now, Will and I are weighing the pros and cons of changing coasts. Better for my career. Maybe not better for his but not bad since he can do his job pretty much anywhere.
On top of it, there is a responsibility that comes along with being married. You want to say “ah fuck it”, quit your job, move to a shack on the beach, and just make money doing odd jobs while working on what you are actually passionate about. Well, wait, and watch your entire family freak out as they tell you that now that you are married you are an adult and you two can’t do those things anymore. You’re sitting here saying, “Well, why not? It will make us happier as a couple and if we were both single, it’d be what we want to do.” There is a weight of responsibility that goes along with being married. You’re expected to have your shit together rather than just figuring it out together. But if I was single, I’d just move to LA and take whatever serving job there was and he would quit his job and start to pursue his dreams yet as a couple we both feel this pressure to keep it together like the world wants us to.
The other thing about marriage that I always tell my friends when they are considering getting engaged is this: Think about your relationship now. Think about what makes you happy and what makes you really mad. Think about the health of your relationship. Now, this is as easy as it’s going to get. Your relationship will not get any easier when you get married in some ways it’s harder. I guess, in some ways it’s easier too but mostly, it’s heavier. Getting married doesn’t solve any problems you have or take away past hurts. The only thing that solves those issues are the work you put into your relationship. Don’t be fooled by Disney and the “and they lived happily ever after.” That’s not what happens. It’s more like, “and after the stress of planning a wedding was over, they’re lives completely went back to normal.”
This is why I tell all of my friends to really think about the decisions they are making about marriage and relationships in general. This is why I caution so many people about not diving into relationships just because they want to be with someone. Being alone is wonderful. You learn so much strength and independence from being alone. If you are feeling like you need someone so badly that it is making you desperate then you need to look inside yourself because it is truly saying something else.
Relationships while extremely rewarding are complicated. So when Friday comes and you are sitting around single, enjoy that you aren’t stuffed in some crowded restaurant where it looks as though cupid has shit red and pink everywhere you turn. Watch Under The Tuscan Sun inside of The Notebook and think about all the ways you want to fall in love with yourself. I’m tired of watching all of these girls feeling the need to check off all these boxes just because society makes you feel that way.
Also, everyone remember that Valentine’s Day isn’t about the Hallmark bullshit we’ve turned it into but rather celebrating a Saint who would secretly marry couples who were in love during a time where the Catholics weren’t allowed to marry. It’s historically a really romantic story but the heart shaped boxes filled with chocolates are as much crap as the corn syrup filled chocolate actually in them. If you want to celebrate love then do it every day. Just know that you are blessed to experience and know love, all kinds of love. I think this is where I will leave my ranting today.
This is probably the worst time of year for depression. It’s cold so you don’t want to be outside. It’s gray so there isn’t much sun anyway. It’s slushy so there isn’t much fun in shoe shopping either. But it all seriousness, pretty much everyone experiences a depression or slump this time of year. Maybe it’s the doom of Valentine’s day or the countless vacation pictures crowding your Instagram (which only rubs in the fact that you have to accumulate your vacation days can not go to Cancun right now) but you feel as bleak as the mushy dirty left over snow on the streets. So here are a few things to help with the funk.
1. Get moving. Get on your gym shoes, get out of your (I know, very comfortable, warm, and snuggly) PJs, and get your butt to the gym, a class, or just a walk around. While watching Downton Abbey on Netflix is riveting (but Mary finally had a happy ending!!!!), it also does not help with your funk. Moving your body is a great way to connect your body with your mind helping you process any thing that may be happening in your life. Emotional tension and manifest physically so exercise will help relieve that. On this set a realistic goal for yourself! For example, I want to be able to see my ab muscles by bikini season (those babies are in their somewhere). Setting a goal gives you something to work towards during the months that seem so endless and meaningless. It gives you a focus on something other than “FUCK IT’S COLD”.
2.VITAMINS. Cold and flu season is NOW. It will bring you down like nothing else. So keep your body healthy by eating and drinking lots of vitamins. I try to have at least one green juice a day because it’s filled with more vitamins than I could probably ever eat. Nothing is more depressing than having to stay in bed and not being able to enjoy your life. On the same note of vitamins, take vitamin D and lots of it. Vitamin D is extremely important since you receive less sunlight during these months. A drop in D can cause serious depression.
3. Try a UV light. So you could go tanning which is not very good for you but helps with the lack of Vitamin D or you could just invest in a UV light and sit in front of it for like 10-15 minutes every morning. I know someone who put their UV light on their treadmill and wakes up, runs for 30 minutes, before going about her day. She says that she no longer suffers from S.A.D.
4. Set a goal of some kind. Winter can be really isolating so try setting a goal or getting a new hobby. Don’t be embarrassed about what it is. It could be learning to knit or training for a marathon really anything to keep you from being alone all the time. Say you wanted to lean pottery making, well, signing up for a class would not only teach you something new and cool but connect you with another social scene. We are always happy when we are making new friends.
5. Avoid comfort food and feed your body what it needs. Mac & Cheese is awesome but it doesn’t provide your body with a lot of nutrients. I know it’s really hard but start thinking of food as fuel rather than comfort. Feeding it crap doesn’t get you anywhere. The other side of this concept is that there is a cycle of shame that goes along with eating crappy food. You regret it and feel upset with yourself for doing it which lead you to being depressed about your body. It’s way easier to just make healthy choices.
6. Party of one. On the days where you are stuck inside with not much to do, don’t just sit around bored and unhappy. Have a party of one. Put on some music and dance a bit. Sing really loudly. Act like a goofball. Wear something ridiculous. Mostly, just embrace the fact that you are really weird and enjoy it. Just have some fun with yourself.
7. Mindset matters. Make all over your walls a collage of happy, positive quotes if you have to or do as I do and pick a quote each morning to make your mantra for the day. Just something that helps keep you in a positive mind set. It’s really mind over matter when it comes to depression.
Also, remember when I had dark hair guys? This picture is making me really excited for when my bangs are completely grown out.